What's The Frequency, Eggert?

"What's the frequency, Kenneth?" is your Benzedrine, uh-huh
I was brain-dead, locked out, numb, not up to speed
I thought I'd pegged you an idiot's dream
Tunnel vision from the outsider's screen
I never understood the frequency, uh-huh
You wore our expectations like an armored suit, uh-huh...
What's the Frequency Kenneth (1994), REM's Monster album

I have a theory, albeit not founded on much, that you can tell which players will still be here next season based solely on their level of interaction with the media. Whilst the majority of the squad, including the club captain, have kept their counsel as the doom clouds have gathered, a select few have refused to hide. In recent weeks there has been messages from the stoic Lucas Neill, the contemplative Robert Green and the passionate Mark Noble; all three I hope and expect to see in the claret & blue when August ushers in. We can now add to that list James Collins. In an article entitled 'Hammers Must Make Impact Quickly' the Daily Mail quotes the combative defender at considerable length. "The manager has said to us that we need to win three out of our last four games if we have any chance of staying up and it will be a tall order," concedes Collins. "We have got to believe we can do it, otherwise there is no point in playing. We have got to put the Chelsea defeat behind us because we have a massive game against Everton on Saturday. I know the result didn't show it against Chelsea, but if we go out and show the same kind of effort and commitment, I am sure we can get another win under our belts." I know he was culpable for one of the goals on Wednesday night but I do like James Collins. He's ginger, he's Welsh and he's liable to break into a rousing rendition of 'Men of Harlech' when the spears begin to fly... while Anton will look impassively on.

While James Collins continues to find favour, one man clearly out of form and seemingly on his way of the club is Marlon Harewood. In a separate article in the Daily Mail, Alan Curbishley has been at considerable pains to insist he has no agenda concerning his squad selections. "I’ve always said I don’t have an agenda here,” he said. “We’re in a position where whoever is in the team must get on with it. Whoever is substitute, whoever is brought off, whoever is left out is not important. We’re all in this together and we have to get our heads down and give it everything. Marlon didn’t play well at Blackburn so I changed it. Also in my thinking is that we are conceding too many goals from set-pieces and Kepa Blanco can be useful in our box in that respect." Of course, it doesn't really matter how often your manager says he has no 'agenda', not when Carlton Cole gets a place on the substitutes bench ahead of you. The message could not really be any clearer or louder or simpler.

Elsewhere, The Guardian reports that there will a police investigation into the Chelsea bus missile incident- not that it matters. We have been pissed on so much this season that it really ceases to have an effect any longer. As Seinfeld observed, once you're wet you're wet. The article states that the Metropolitan police are investigating the hurling of a missile at Chelsea's team coach as it approached Upton Park before Wednesday night's Premiership fixture against West Ham United. The object - not believed to be a brick (no, it was a bottle) - shattered the outer layer of glass on one of the coach windows. The Football Association will not be looking into the incident because it occurred outside Upton Park but police confirmed last night that they were pursuing the case. The Chelsea coach was travelling along Barking Road more than 90 minutes before the 8pm kick-off when the object was thrown despite the presence of a police escort. The Stamford Bridge club later confirmed that none of the players or staff on board had been hurt during the incident (how the hell did the flying glass miss Frank's arse?), the like of which is rarely seen in Britain. West Ham say they will cooperate fully with any police inquiries but, with no CCTV footage available (ouch, pity the poor bastard who picks up this case), an arrest for criminal damage seems unlikely.

Finally, not even a hastily painted Stipe stripe could throw the paps off the scent yesterday, as an elusive Eggert Magnusson was cornered by Sky Sports News for an interview he clearly didn't want to give. Staring implacably through the cathode rays he told the watching audience: "I still believe we can do it. I'm an optimist but it's getting serious now." Fair enough, I myself only started worrying about relegation around last October time. In response to a question about Alan Curbishley, Eggert insisted: "I've been impressed with him for many years and my impression since he's been at West Ham hasn't changed." Well, okay I'll buy that. I'm still with you Mr Magnusson sir. Finally, to a loaded question about some of the off-field antics of certain squad members, our Icelandic chairman unblinkingly replied: "They are all good players, I believe in them." It was at that point I knew one of us had lost it. What's the frequency, Eggert?