Dreams Of Monica

I was in a pub this afternoon and no word of a lie that Monica Bellucci girl was there. She was sat plain as day, leaning back against the wooden settle in a black dress at least two sizes too small for her sadistically oppressed breasts. I could see her bare honeyed legs and the sharp patella that gave a fetching inverted-triangle shape to her knee. She was smoking a cigarette and looking the picture of poised insouciance. I watched her as she moved over to the table football, her slender fingers playfully enveloping the rusty blue knobs. She caught my gaze and with a look of pouting solicitude beckoned me to join her. I stood behind the claret side's goal, trying to hide my fascination by focusing on the ball's movements. When she registered a goal on the metal score-keeper, I looked straight at her and flashed her the most seductive smile I could muster. She responded to this courtesy by advising me to take charge of the rival team's front line. Just as I was about to manoeuvre my players to impress her with the dexterity of my wrists, the girl picked up the ball and placed it between her teeth, where it shone for all it was worth. She pushed out her chest and offered me the ball to pluck from her mouth. At once humiliated and hypnotised, I lifted my right hand, and just as my fingers were about to touch the ball, she moved away, leaving me with nothing but a mocking smile. I stood there, arm suspended in midair as if proposing a rediculous toast without a glass, to a love that would never be consummated.

Monica slunk over to the bar and I followed her footsteps. On the counter was a stack of today's newspapers. The back page of the Mail reported Carlo Ancelotti is prepared to drop out of the top flight and take charge at managerless West Ham when he is jettisoned by Chelsea. The fact the Italian ­won the ­Double in his first ­season at Stamford Bridge – and has ­secured the runners-up slot to Manchester United this season – cuts no ice with trigger-­happy Roman Abramovich. All Ancelotti can do is wait and prepare ­another chapter for his book.

"Another chapter? I will need to write a new book!" he is quoted as saying. "But West Ham? Why not. It has been a good experience and I will have a good memory of this year." The Italian boss is expected to be sacked soon after Sunday's final game of the season at Everton and claims he would have no problem picking up the pieces from Avram Grant's reign and taking a pay-cut. Ancelotti said: "I would coach West Ham. It's a challenge to manage a team in the Championship. The atmosphere at West Ham is amazing. It doesn't matter if you manage a top team or a smaller team. It's more important to work. I was happy to train in the second division when I was learning and I’m ­happy to train now I have the possibility to train a top team."

Ancelotti earns £5million a year at Chelsea and would get a fraction of that at Upton Park, but he said: "When you manage, you don't think about the money. It has never been a motivation for me. You think about working with passion." When asked about staying in England, he said: "Why not? I have respect for every team. The Championship is also fantastic. I have never seen a Championship game live but I’ve seen a lot of games on TV and the atmosphere is fantastic. If you watch a game in Italy in the ­second division there will be, say, 2,000 people. It is totally different here. If a club said to me, ‘You can manage this club without money’ then maybe I’d accept or maybe not. To give a good image of yourself, this is a good motivation. "

Writing in the Independent, Andrew Warshaw stated it is not Ancelotti but Sam Allardyce and Dave Jones who have emerged as front-runners for the West Ham job as the club prepare for life in the second tier of English football. The Hammers hierachy have made no secret of their intention to sign a British manager after Grant's unceremonious dismissal. Both Allardyce and Jones, reveals Warshaw, were in the frame to take over last December before David Sullivan, David Gold and Karren Brady took the fateful decision to stick with the Israeli for the rest of the season.

Allardyce has been out of work since being sacked by Blackburn but has huge experience of turning round under-achieving clubs and a reputation for motivating players. While he would doubtless instill the kind of fighting spirit West Ham have been lacking, Jones has an impressive track record in terms of team building and talent-spotting. The longest-serving manager in the Championship, Jones has transformed Cardiff without managing to achieve top-flight football. Warshaw understands that Sullivan and Brady are keen for one or the other to take over at Upton Park but that Gold has not yet made up his mind.

He could be waiting for Alex McLeish thought the Star. If the Birmingham boss is relegated at Tottenham today it would put his position under considerable threat – despite qualifying for the Europa League through winning the Carling Cup. 'Big Eck', 52, could bounce back at West Ham, whose owners Sullivan and Gold appointed him at Birmingham four years ago when they were in charge at St Andrew’s. The former Motherwell, Hibernian, Rangers and Scotland chief McLeish remains a highly respected boss, despite Birmingham’s slide. West Ham are planning a quick appointment after going down and want their squad reshaped for an immediate promotion challenge next season.

The paper insisted decisions will have to be made soon on high-profile players including Footballer of the Year Scott Parker, who is expected to move to one of the Premier League elite. According to the People, that could be Liverpool. The Merseysiders have their eye on the influential midfielder, but could to lose out to Tottenham in the race to sign the Hammers vice-captain. The England ace, 30, commands a £10m fee and wages of £80,000 a week. The same paper believed Carlton Cole is being targeted for a move as West Ham’s player exodus begins. It is reported Roy Hodgson wants to take the striker to West Brom – and the Hammers are willing to sell for around £4million. Hodgson tried to sign Cole last August at Liverpool and remains keen on the front man, as his style of play fits perfectly with the system he is introducing at the Hawthorns.

Elsewhere, the Mirror decided West Ham are expecting to receive a number of offers for their England keeper Robert Green ­despite a nightmare season for club and country. Few could forget his blunder in the World Cup last summer when he ­allowed a Clint Dempsey shot to slip through his hands and cost England an opening game victory. Green did get his form back – and was even voted runner-up, to Parker, as Hammers’ player of the year – but he failed to help his side avoid relegation. Caretaker boss Kevin Keen said: "I would be very surprised if there isn’t a team in the Premier League that wouldn’t want his services." In addition, West Ham stars Demba Ba and Thomas ­Hitzlsperger will join the exodus from Upton Park this summer without the club receiving a fee for the duo. According to the article, both players have agreements with West Ham stating that in the event of relegation they could move on as free agents.

With that, I looked up from the papers to see Monica disappearing through the door, the hem of her skirt fluttering for a second as she ghosted down the step onto the cobbles. She had been replaced at the bar by a big-boned northern lass with agressive eyebrows, a sour-faced Scouse girl with mournful eyes and a gangly ginger hen with a permanent grimace. Apparently, it is true no man will be found in whose mind airy notions do not sometimes tyrannize, and force him to hope or fear beyond the limits of sober probability. In the meantime, let us drink down all unkindness.