Vikki Blows (And So Does The Transfer Window)

Fox Mulder once said that he never lies; he just willfully participates in a campaign of misinformation. Never did a such a statement so perfectly encapsulate the fetid machinations of the world of football during the transfer window. A world where 24 hour rolling news outlets spin elaborate constructs from the flimsiest threads to fill dead air, newspapers fabricate stories to flog copy, websites invent rumours to generate hits, clubs prevaricate to force the best deal, agents tell half-truths governed by self-interest and players say nothing so as to keep all their options open.

Despite fevered media speculation over the last few days that West Ham United were on the verge of signing Valon Behrami- a rumour substantiated by several 'close sources' to the club- the agent of the player moved to distance his client from such a move to this evening. The powerful 23-year-old Swiss international has been linked to a number of Premier League teams since his agent revealed his intention to use the 'Webster Clause' in order to leave Serie A giants Lazio and start a fresh adventure in another league. Behrami wanted to wait for Euro 2008 to end before he studied any offers, and now his representative has revealed that his future is likely not in East London but rather Germany.

Alessandro Beltrami told Setanta Sports that his client wishes to play in the Bundesliga next season with Werder Bremen a possible destination for the talented player. "The truth is that I read the news in the press, but the West Ham link is pure invention," Beltrami announced. "The player is on holiday and will be back this week to decide his future. No meetings are planned, but we have received offers from Germany, Spain and England as well. The player’s wish is to play in the Bundesliga. As a consequence, England is not a priority at all."

Elsewhere, Lucas Neill's agent has rubbished speculation that the Australian could join Turkish giants Galatasaray. Stories suggesting the West Ham captain could follow compatriot Harry Kewell - who left Liverpool for Istanbul earlier this week - to the banks of the Bosphorus have appeared in the press over the last few days. When coupled with the oft-repeated rumour that Hammers chairman Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson is eager to cut the club's wage bill, £60,000-a-week (a figure averaged out from the various journalist estimations) Neill's future appeared to be in question.

However, agent Paddy Dominguez has reportedly rejected the story out of hand by use of cleverly edited quotes that were made a couple of weeks ago in response to an entirely different situation. "It doesn't make sense that a manager who brought Lucas to the club and has installed him as captain would look to sell him," Dominguez said. "It would be very strange. Lucas' relationship with Alan Curbishley is good and he is relishing the role of captain."

Meanwhile, Anton Ferdinand has busied himself with telling the BBC that he is both happy at West Ham United and also not against the idea of departing. Ferdinand told BBC London 94.9: "I'm happy at this club, and until I get told I'm not a West Ham player, I will be a West Ham player. I've grown up at the club and I enjoy playing here. Should it happen that I leave West Ham, I know I'd be able to go with my head held high." The Hammers defender says he has had a brief discussion with manager Alan Curbishley about his future but is expected to speak to him again in the next couple of days to resolve the situation. "I've spoken to the manager briefly and he wants to get it sorted as quick as possible too, which is a good thing for me," said Ferdinand. "I'm an ambitious person. I want to play in Europe and I want to play for England."

Lastly, the Mail insist that a player the club probably never even knew they were interested in has snubbed the Hammers in favour of a switch to Porto. Roland Linz, who made two spectacularly unimpressive appearances for Austria during Euro 2008, was reportedly a target for a host of Premiership clubs but now looks likely to stay in Portugal.

So far, so depressing. A microcosm of the transfer window played out over a few hours this afternoon.

On a brighter note I have just discovered that FHM favourite Vikki Blows is another name to add to the celebrity Hammers list. I have no good explanation as to how I stumbled across the following interview so I won't even try and construct an elaborate yarn; there's been too much of that kind of thing already this week.

What is your XY factor?
I like darker twisted stuff, like chains, blood and whips.

Blimey. You're Romford born and bred - does that make you a Happy Hammer?
It does indeed! All my family supports West Ham, apart from one ... we don't speak to him much.

What's the most accurate saying about Essex girls?
That they dance around their handbags. It's true... we do!

Are you leading the charge for paler skinned models?
Haha no! It's not on purpose, I just need a holiday.

Overall has your surname been a blessing or a curse?
It's been a constant source of amusement for many.

We think you'd make a foxy soap character. Which soap would you like to be in and why?
Eastenders, so I could work in the Queen Vic!

Nice! What animal would you like to come back and why?
An Octopus. I love sea creatures. Or a shark so I could bite people.

What's the craziest/most stupid/weirdest reaction you've had from a bloke in public?
An erection.

Do you have any blokey habits?
I burp a lot. My best mate says they shake the house.

Your calendar is coming out soon - what's your favourite month on the calendar and why?
January, I like my hair in it.

What's the sexiest time of year for you and why?
Winter, because I like snuggling up under the sheets when it's cold and I can walk around in my pants with the heating on and look at the rain outside.

Who's the most beautiful girl in glamour modeling?
Dita Von Teese. She took burlesque into the main stream.