Portrait Of Teddy

The Laburnum will be as yellow next June as it is now . . . But we never get back our youth. Our limbs fail, our senses rot . . . Youth, youth, there is absolutely nothing in the world but youth!" cries Lord Henry in Oscar Wilde's Portrait of Dorian Gray. Gray, of course, was able to halt the passing of time by offering up his soul to stay young - with hideous consequences. But Teddy Sheringham has somehow managed to reverse the ageing process with a simple diet of Page 3 stunnahs, Cristal champagne and tacky Romford nightclubs- until now.

For today comes the news that Teddy has been defiantly running from for the last ten years. A football club have dropped their interest in signing the veteran striker because he is simply too old. "But what about my leadership qualities?" he will plead. "You can't teach my experience and 'eyes in the back of head' vision," he will protest. "You can't coach my footballing 'first five yards in my head' super-brain and you can't lose what you never had in the first place can you?" he will ask. "That's all very well," will say Sydney FC's club's chief executive George Perry,"but we just have concerns about your ability to play on a regular basis in the Australian climate." It is a legitimate anxiety. West Ham fans have wondered about Teddy and the English winter for the last three seasons.